


Be All My Sins Remembered

by Helen8462



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Canon-Compliant, Difficult choices, F/M, Late Third Season, Personal Log Reflection, Prime Directive, Prompt challenge fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-03
Updated: 2017-09-04
Packaged: 2018-12-23 08:31:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 17,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11986095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Helen8462/pseuds/Helen8462
Summary: “Do I hold fast to protocol?  And then you die?  Or do I abandon my principles so that you can live?  Tell me, Chakotay.  How do I live with myself tomorrow, regardless of the decision I make?”





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MiaCooper](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MiaCooper/gifts).



> This story was written because of a challenge set forth from the implacable MiaCooper. She [wrote a fantastic story](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11585196) to the same set of criteria, though she won "humor" on the coin toss and I got "angst."
> 
> This story had the following two sabotages:  
> 1\. A diplomacy scene where Janeway and Chakotay are not on the same page.  
> 2\. One of them gets hurt.  
> Bonus: Coffee somehow causes drama.  
> And the prompt was [this picture](https://www.flickr.com/photos/156632220@N03/35564155960/) namely Chakotay’s ‘sex hair.’ 
> 
> I drew inspiration from the DS9 episode "In the Pale Moonlight." Captains have such difficult decisions to make... 
> 
> Takes place late third season, just before Scorpion.

* * *

 

_Captain’s Personal Log.  Stardate 50954.2_

_Today, I crossed a line that I promised myself I would never cross.  I did so knowingly, willfully and without coercion.  I went against the advice of my first officer.  I went against my own better judgement._

_I broke the Prime Directive today._

_I’m not sure how to make reparations for what I’ve done. There is no higher-ranking officer, no admiral to answer to, and no review board to judge my actions.  I don’t have the option of resigning my commission, even if I wanted to.  I don’t dare set a precedent for the rest of the crew to follow, or risk losing their faith in me by trying to explain my actions._

_I’m not sure I’ll ever come to grips with the outcome of this situation.  I suppose, over time, I might find a way to make peace with my decision.  Perhaps this log – this confession - will be the first step._

_It started in a morning staff meeting, just over three weeks ago…_

* * *

“If there are no other matters to discuss –“

“Actually, Captain,” B’Elanna interrupted.  “I have something.”

I waved her to take her turn.  “As you know, we’re down to just seven photon torpedoes,” B’Elanna began.  “In the past months we’ve been able to get our hands on enough terminium to manufacture twenty-six new casings.  Carey just finished wiring the control boards, the internal components are all laid out and we’re prepared to syphon antimatter from the warp core.  What we’re missing are the subspace detonators.”

I nodded, knowing this would always be the missing piece of our puzzle to keep ourselves armed. 

“What’s so special about the detonator?” the Doctor interjected. His next words were preluded with a sly smile. “Excuse my ignorance of ordnance.”

“The subspace detonators are composed of highly refined and enriched alitrium alloy,” I informed him.  “It’s very difficult to manufacture, and usually extremely expensive.”

“Not to mention unstable if it’s handled incorrectly,” B’Elanna added.

“We’ve had our eye out for some time now and haven’t met with any luck,” I reminded her.

“I know, but I think we may have finally found a place to get it,” she said, moving to the computer screen.  In front of us was displayed a star chart, and she zoomed in on a sector that was not far from our location.  “Using the long-range sensors, we detected a planet this morning with potential commercial activity.  Many different types of vessels coming and going, some of them very heavily armed with firepower similar to our torpedoes.”

Tuvok rustled subtly to my left.  “If they are using antimatter weapons, there is a high probability that they require detonators similar to ours.”

“You’re thinking we might be able to trade for it there…”

“Or, at the very least, ask where we could trade,” Tom added.

The idea was sound, and there were other supplies that were running low.  I was inclined to have a look. 

“We’re new in the area, strangers,” Chakotay piped up from my left.  “If we go prodding around and asking for materials to make weapons, we’re going to draw attention and probably not in the best way.”

“Chakotay has a point, Captain,” B’Elanna agreed.  “ _Voyager_ would be one of the largest vessels there.  We might appear a threat.”

Of course, they were right.  “We’ll send a shuttle,” I conceded, then I pointed at the two of them, “I trust you two have experience in this sort of thing.”

A wide smile spread across B’Elanna’s face as she nudged toward Chakotay.  “Wanna wear our leathers?”

* * *

_Having a limited supply of torpedoes had been making me nervous since we first landed in the Delta Quadrant nearly three years ago.  We’d already encountered our fair share of hostile species out here, it would have been foolish to think Voyager would make it all the way home without more fighting.  On top of that, I weighed Chakotay’s recent discovery of Riley and her collective and had the itching feeling that we’d eventually run into the Borg.  Needless to say, I was feeling much less than secure in our ability to defend ourselves for the long haul._

_But I digress._

_In a matter of hours, Chakotay and B’Elanna were away and Voyager had diverted to a nearby nebula to recharge our deuterium stores.  If we were taking a break from the journey, we might as well be assured to get something out of the delay._

_I heard from the away team just over a day later.  The planet they approached was known as Delravy and was apparently the last stop before entering a highly disputed area of space—one whose borders were constantly shifting due to a conflict between two rather territorial species._

_This knowledge only strengthened my resolve. We had to be able to defend ourselves._

_The team was successful in acquiring most of the supplies on their list, finding many of them readily available.  Unfortunately, only one lead was obtained for the enriched alitrium alloy for our detonators.  Still, a lead was a lead and it appeared to be a good enough gamble that I ordered them to follow it._

_Chakotay was nervous— I recognize it now— and with good reason.  He wasn’t comfortable on that planet.  At one point in his life, making deals in such an environment might have been second nature; but that was not the case anymore.  His instincts were telling him something important, and I just wasn’t listening._

_I may never forgive myself for that._

* * *

“We’ve arranged a meeting with someone who might know something about obtaining a small quantity of alitrium,” Chakotay said, features obscured slightly by the impinging static of our comm line.

“That’s excellent news, Commander,” I replied, perhaps a bit too hopeful.  “When will you be meeting this individual?”

 _“_ Tonight,” he replied.  “But I have to admit, this doesn’t seem like the ideal way to be doing business.”

“Well, it’s not exactly a normal substance we’re trying to acquire,” I replied, poking at another padd on my desktop.  “Just do your best to find out if they’ve got what we need and what they want for it.”

“That’s just the thing. I’m not sure we have anything to offer that will be just compensation for such an apparently illicit substance.”

His use of the word jerked my attention back fully.  “Illicit?”

“Trade of substances or components that can be used to make weapons is rather frowned upon here.  I haven’t seen anything in Delravian law that prohibits trading this material explicitly, but several of the people we talked to simply turned their backs to us and walked in the other direction.”

At this, my brow furrowed.  “The planet is on the border of disputed territory.  It stands to reason they wouldn’t want to draw themselves into any kind of conflict.  But, you say you’ve looked into the legality.” I paused to consider the risks of moving forward versus the need to ensure our future safety. 

Quickly, I came to my decision. “If it’s not illegal for them, it’s not illegal for us.  Carry on, Commander.  Use your best judgement as always, but know that obtaining even a small quantity of alitrium could mean the difference between life and death for us.  We need to replenish our torpedo supplies.  I’m tired of rationing them, weighing them against lives.”

“Understood.  And, I concur.  Our resources are much too low for my taste, as well.  We’ll do our best.”

“You always do,” I agreed with a smile.  “ _Voyager_ is still enroute to the nebula.  We will be in communications range for another couple of hours, but otherwise we’ll see you at the rendezvous coordinates in four days’ time.” 

* * *

_The nebula had a haunting beauty about it.  Shades of deep eggplant and cerulean mixed whimsically across the screen creating an ever-changing kaleidoscope of shapes.  Our Bussard collectors were functioning at peak efficiency and by all accounts our tanks would be full in just a few more hours._

_I was enjoying the view from my chair on the bridge, catching up on a few reports when I heard a soft ping emanate from the Ops console._

* * *

“Captain, we’re receiving a priority communication from the _Sacajawea_ ,” Harry announced at precisely 0900 hours. 

The shuttle containing my first officer and chief engineer wasn’t due to rendezvous with us for another two days.  Hearing from them so far ahead of schedule was a sign that they had either found what we needed, or were running into problems.  Given the luck we’d been having, I prepared myself for the latter.

I stood and turned to face Ops. “Put it through.”

Nothing stretches a moment quite like waiting for the voice of a crewman in potential danger to filter through the comm.  I could feel adrenaline mixing with caffeine – which was, as always, present in copious amounts in my bloodstream since early this morning – and the familiar surge readied me for whatever was to come next.

“Captain,” I heard, and a moment later I saw B’Elanna’s face.  She looked worried, but not harried or panicked.  The feed was coming in well and they didn’t seem to be having an emergency.  Chakotay was sitting next to her, unusually quiet but otherwise seemingly fine.  

“Lieutenant,” I replied.  “Is everything alright?”

“Yes and no, Captain,” she answered.  “There was an incident during our meeting. Chakotay needs to see the Doctor as soon as possible.”

My eyes darted to him and I tried to assess his condition visually.   He looked tired and perhaps stiff, but otherwise didn’t seem to be experiencing anything life threatening, or even terribly uncomfortable.

“What kind of incident?”

“That’s best discussed in private,” Chakotay replied quickly.  I could hear in his voice that something was indeed very wrong.  The way his eyes met mine, a brief and pleading glance before diverting back to the console, was even more concerning. 

“Understood.  Mr. Paris, lay in a course to intercept, maximum warp.”  I sat back in my chair, made a few quick calculations on the center computer, and then turned my attention back to the viewscreen.  “We should reach you in approximately six hours,” I informed them.  “Will that be soon enough?  Do you need to speak with the Doctor?”

“No, Captain.  Six hours will be fine,” Chakotay replied.  “We will see you then.  _Sacajawea_ out.”

I felt the hum of the engines change as they responded to the helm’s commands.  Tom turned in his seat and offered me a look of concern to which I replied with a sigh, and a shrug. 

And then we waited.

* * *

_Those six hours of travelling to meet with Sacajawea felt like an eternity.  I checked back in once more before they arrived, remembering this time to inquire as to their success with the alitrium.  Much to my disappointment they were not in possession of the material we needed so desperately.  I tried to find out more, but whatever had gone wrong, Chakotay clearly didn’t want to discuss it over the comm._

_When he arrived, however, it was a completely different story._

* * *

Chakotay hobbled off of _Sacajawea,_ holding tightly to B’Elanna’s arm _._ He didn’t appear ill, so much as just weak or perhaps disoriented.

I kept my distance while he allowed himself to be lead to a chair by one of the shuttle-bay consoles so that the Doctor could perform a quick assessment.  Once he was settled, I took B’Elanna aside.

“Report, Lieutenant.”

B’Elanna shook her head and let out a heavy sigh.  “I’m not sure where to begin.”

I shot her a glare to convey my impatience.

“Chakotay and I were in the wrong place at the wrong time, trying to follow a lead for the alitrium. There was a fight—over what, I’m not sure.  Someone clearly had a bone to pick with the individual we were meeting, and thought that we were their enemies too.  Chakotay had to defend himself, we both did, but in the process…” she trailed off.

“He was injured,” I deduced.

“No.  He killed someone.”  B’Elanna’s words halted my breath, and she continued. “It wasn’t intentional.  Guy came at him from behind with a knife.  Chakotay turned and slugged him, and he hit his head off a table pretty hard.  It was self-defense, but there were witnesses. The authorities arrived pretty quickly after that.  We cooperated, but damn it, we should have gotten the hell out of there."

”Cooperating was the right thing to do,” I agreed.  “It doesn’t sound like you had anything to hide.”

“We didn’t, but fat lot of good the truth did for Chakotay.  They split us up, took him into custody.  It wasn’t until the next day they took me to him…”  B’Elanna had begun to pace nervously across the small space in front of me.  Shaking with what I knew to be a near uncontrollable rage.  Her raised voice drew the slightest glance from the duo across the shuttlebay.

“What, B’Elanna?”

“They had already convicted him!  Sentence handed down.  Bam.  Final,” she said with a suppressed shout and a few pointed gestures.  “No testimonies, no jury trial.  No consideration at _all_ for the fact that it was self-defense.  Chakotay didn’t even _mean_ to kill that guy!”

As she made one last pass in front of me I stopped her with a firm hand on her arm.  “What did they do to him?”  I watched her take a measured breath, drawing calm from the pressure I now had on her.

“On Delravy, convicted felons are implanted with a device that simulates a prison term.  The sentence is carried out in their sleep.”

“In their sleep?”

“Yes.  So they don’t have to actually maintain a prison system.  God forbid it might force them to actually _think_ before they incarcerate someone.”

“What happened next?”

“They forced us to leave,” she said, incredulous.  “Otherwise I’d still be there fighting this.”

To my left, I saw the Doctor and Chakotay disappear into a flicker of transport. 

“You did the right thing, coming straight back so that the Doctor could help him,” I reassured.

“He’s not well, Captain,” B’Elanna said, finally drawing to the Klingon equivalent of calm.  “He’s fallen asleep twice since being fitted with the implant and both times…” she trailed off, and I could see she was biting back anger mixed with her own version of regret.  

“Let’s just say that this method of punishment, it’s certainly effective.”


	2. Chapter 2

_I prodded B’Elanna for the rest of her report while I waited for the okay to visit with Chakotay._

_Most interesting was what they learned about the sector immediately ahead of us.  Two species, about five habitable planets in dispute across three systems spanning roughly the next month of our journey._

_The Vacli and the Am’mh had been locked in a territorial war for decades, planets completely pillaged for their resources, their people left mostly as refugees.  Most of the war took place on the ground with very few ships left to fight in space._

_A group of merchant traders seemed to be the reason these planets persevered at all.  They would come in with food and medical supplies, barter and depart.  What they were bartering for in a depleted and war-torn sector wasn’t clear - though the away team had suspicions it was the citizens themselves being used as payment._

_It was one of those traders that had approached Chakotay and B’Elanna about the alitrium.  And, I understood now why Chakotay was uncomfortable meeting him.  The moral and ethical repercussions of dealing so close to a warzone would have made any Starfleet officer nervous._

_The only good news from B’Elanna’s report was that visitors who passed through were generally undisturbed.  For this I was grateful.  I didn’t want to delay by traveling around and I really didn’t want to waste any more of our precious torpedoes defending our path through._

_I was confident that if we kept to ourselves we would emerge unscathed on the other side.  After I dealt with the Delravian authorities, of course._

_Against her protests, I dismissed B’Elanna and made my way to sickbay, alone._

* * *

“The implant is small,” the Doctor began, standing by Chakotay’s side as he sat on a biobed.  “Roughly a centimeter across, and located at the bottom of the cerebellum where it connects to the brain stem.  They placed it through a small incision just at the base of his skull,” he said, pointing to the back of his own holographic head.  “From there, the device extended small nodules that snake up into the other areas of his brain.”

“Can you remove it?” I asked.

“At this point, I’d say I don’t have enough information, not without seeing how it functions.  But, it doesn’t appear so.  Excising it surgically would do irreparable damage as it has attached itself rather ingeniously to his brain tissue and nervous system.  This device was certainly designed to be permanent.”

“It stands to reason they wouldn’t want it to be easily removed,” I said.  Then I turned my attention to Chakotay.  Feet dangling over the edge of the bed, he had said nothing since I arrived.

“How are you feeling?” I asked him softly. 

“I’m okay,” he said.  “Just a little disoriented.”

“The cerebellum is responsible for balance and coordination,” the Doctor further informed.  “Until his tissue has regrown around the foreign body, I’d expect such a side effect.”

“Is he in any immediate danger?”

The Doctor shook his head.  “No.  The implant isn’t doing anything harmful at the moment.  However, I would like him to remain in sickbay so that I can observe a sleep cycle.  There must be a way to deactivate the device, or at least interrupt it.”

“Thank you, Doctor,” I replied.  Then he left us for a moment of privacy.

I slid myself to sit next to Chakotay on the bed, placing a hand on his upper leg.  “So, how are you, really?”

“Really?  I think I’m okay.  Just adjusting.”

“B’Elanna said that you’ve slept since…”

“Yes.  Twice.”

“And?”

“It’s hard to describe,” he said, looking down to the floor briefly, then back to me.  “They’re the most realistic dreams I’ve ever had.  But so far I feel like I’m just being acquainted with my surroundings, the other inmates, that kind of thing.  It’s all pre-programmed, I think.  Though they mentioned it would eventually draw from other experiences I’ve had.”

“Your own personal prison?”

“Something like that.”

“We’ve just started heading back to Delravy,” I informed him.  “I’m going to have a talk with whoever I can and get your sentence commuted.  It seems barbaric to me that they would punish you for self-defense, especially since you didn’t start the fight.”  As the words left my tongue, I felt my own defenses rise; I could only imagine how irate B’Elanna must have been.

“I killed that man,” Chakotay said seriously.  “I acted in self-defense, and his death was an accident, but I did kill him.  By their laws my punishment was warranted.  All fifteen years’ worth.”

“Fifteen years?”

“That’s my term.”

“Oh.”

He placed his hand atop mine and met my eyes again.  “Kathryn, I appreciate that you feel the need to argue on my behalf.  And I know there will be no stopping you from returning to plead my case.  But please, be careful.  That world, the traders there… it’s dangerous.  It’s not worth putting _Voyager,_ or yourself, in jeopardy.  I’m home, I’m safe.  So far, this hasn’t been so bad.  And I’m sure the Doctor will find a solution anyway.”  His words were comforting, but behind his optimism I saw his fear.  It mirrored my own. 

“If it’s not so bad,” I said, rising to his level of confidence, “then I expect you back on the bridge as soon as the Doctor clears you for duty.”

At that he hazarded a smile.  “Yes, ma’am.”

* * *

_It took another day and a half to return to Delravy.  I used that time in making arrangements to meet with everyone I could possibly think of, from the officer who arrested him to the highest judge in the court system._

_Three straight days on the planet, and everyone I spoke with had the same exact thing to say.  Chakotay was guilty.  Punishment must be carried out swiftly to deter others from crime.  And there was nothing further to discuss._

_Utterly and completely defeated, with no one else to hear my case, I returned to Voyager.  What I didn’t know was that I would be returning to even worse news._

* * *

“Commander Chakotay’s implant seems to be malfunctioning,” the Doctor began.

“What?”

“Well, maybe ‘malfunctioning’ isn’t the correct term.  It’s performing perfectly for someone of Delravian biology,” the Doctor said, stroking his chin.  “According to literature obtained from their medical library, the device is supposed to allow a normal, restorative sleep pattern underneath the layer of programmed, prison-dreaming.  Unfortunately, the device was also designed for a race that has a slightly different tolerance for brain-wave displacement than a human.”

“What are you telling me?”

“The implant never should have been used on a species which requires their brains to cycle between REM and non-REM sleep, such as humans.  The Delravians, and many other races, experience just one REM cycle per night.  For them, the implant allows enough restorative benefit underneath the dreams for them to function during the day. 

“It’s not working that way for the commander.  The implant is thrusting him into a dream state almost immediately after he falls asleep.  Instead of experiencing every stage, he’s only permitted to have the one.” 

I rubbed my forehead, trying to make sense of the medical jargon, wanting only for him to cut to the chase.  “What does that mean exactly, Doctor?”

“It’s almost as if he’s just awake constantly.  His tissues aren’t being repaired, new cells are slow to develop and his immune function is almost non-existent.   If I can’t figure out a way to remove or deactivate the implant….”

The EMH trailed off, expecting me to come to my own conclusion.  I simply stared back in silence. 

“He’s going to die of exhaustion.”

* * *

_The Doctor’s news was certainly jarring.  But, in an odd way it made me feel optimistic.  If nothing else I now had more fuel for my argument.  If I could somehow convince the authorities that Chakotay’s sentence was tantamount to murder, maybe they would relent._

_What I didn’t know, was that they really wouldn’t care.  If an ‘inmate’ died, well, it was just more cause for others to stay out of trouble.  And, I was warned that removing the device – as the Doctor had already deduced – would cause permanent, debilitating brain injury._

_Again and again, they refused to deactivate the implant.  I was beginning to wonder if it was even possible to do so in the first place._

_The Delravian authorities were tired of hearing from me.  The last thing they did was threaten to make Voyager leave orbit.  To be honest, I’m surprised it took as long as it did._

_There was nothing to be gained in fighting, and we had a journey to continue.  Later that evening I ordered us to break orbit.  We resumed a course for Earth and then I went to visit Chakotay in his quarters._

* * *

“Did I come at a bad time?” I asked, stepping softly through the doors which had just hissed open at my chime.

“No.  No, not at all,” he replied, forcing a smile.  He closed the book he was reading and set it on the table by his chair.  “Please, come in.  I could use the company.”

“How are you doing?”

He shrugged.  “About as well as can be expected.  Lucky for me, all was quiet on duty while you were away.”

I took a seat across from him on the couch and at the closer distance noted immediately the exhausted look on his face. 

“How are you, really?” I asked again, softly.

“Honestly?” he asked, to which I nodded.  “I’m honestly… not sure.  The Doctor told me what he probably already told you.  If he can’t solve this thing…”

I let go the heavy breath I had been holding.  “I know.”

“I just don’t feel like this is going to be the end of me, Kathryn.  I don’t know why.  I just…  It’s all in my head, right?”

“In a manner of speaking.”

“But it feels so real.  When I’m asleep, or whatever it is, what I experience doesn’t feel any different than you and I talking right now.  It’s all so vivid.  I’m familiar with the others there, in the prison with me.  Some of them are a lot like people I used to know.  I understand the dynamic, what’s going on behind those bars… everyone’s history…” his voice began to crackle.  “I can taste the food, hear their voices.  I can feel when… ”

And then he stopped, looked up at me and didn’t say another word. 

I inched closer to him and leaned forward, placing my hand on his leg.  “We will get to the bottom of this.  There is a solution, there has to be.  And we will find it.”

His tired eyes raised up to meet mine.  “I know.”

“You are, without a doubt, one of the strongest people I’ve ever known.  Mentally, physically, spiritually.  I know that you can fight this fight.”

* * *

_He asked me to stay with him for a while after that.  And we sat mostly in silence, studying the stars as they whizzed by and talking about inconsequential things.  He was more relaxed in my presence during that hour than I had seen him in some time._

_After a while, he reclined back against the arm of the couch.  I watched while he focused on my hands as they lie folded across my lap.  I could tell that he was trying to center his attention on something, anything to hold enough interest to stay awake.  I began telling him a story, I don’t remember what it was.  Halfway through, I paused to glance out the window for a moment.  When I looked back, his eyes were closed._

_I didn’t know what to do, so I waited.  His breath became measured, his expression peaceful for only a moment and then everything changed._

_He sucked in a gasp and I jolted forward to take him by the hand.  He felt me, I know he did, because he squeezed me and gripped me as if I was a lifeline._

_It must have been the transition into deep sleep that I was witnessing.  He attempted to fight against it, that much was obvious.  His eyes constantly threatened to open, but never quite received permission to do so.  I could all but see the implant become active, relieving him of his ability to control his wakefulness, thrusting him into prison again._

_What he was experiencing was certainly worse than I could imagine. I never did find out what it was like in there.  In the following days, when I would broach the subject, he always differed, simply stating that it was extremely realistic._

_His hands began to tremble, muscles twitched and his head was lolling from side to side, face contorted by grimace._

_I was so tempted to wake him. But the Doctor had told us that even in this restless state he was benefiting, at least marginally.  I had to let him be._

_I decided, for that night, I wouldn’t leave his side.  Not for a moment.  Because maybe, just maybe, my presence gave him some kind of comfort._

_I sat with him until the latest of hours.  Through the clutching and grasping and crying.  Through uneven breaths and restless eyes and stifled screams._

_And when the implant finally released its hold, and he grew still again, I knew it would only be for a minute.  Just one single minute and he would be thrust into a new day, with real responsibilities and real people.  And a very real problem._

_Just before he woke…_

_That’s when I let myself out._


	3. Chapter 3

_It was 0825 by the chronometer, roughly four hours after I had run out of Chakotay’s quarters.  Equal amounts of tired and disturbed, I was on my third cup of coffee and my jaw had become set in a permanently clenched position.  Chakotay hadn’t arrived for his shift yet, I know because I must have looked to his seat fifty times.  As much as I wanted to inquire as to where or how he was, I fought the urge, deciding to give him some leeway.  I would grant him five more minutes and then discretely check in._

_We were now several days into our journey through the disputed sector.  I was just starting to wonder if we would encounter anyone when Ensign Kim interrupted my thoughts._

* * *

“Captain, we’re being hailed,” said the voice from Ops.

“Onscreen.”

A moment later, a face appeared on the main viewer.  The alien before me was of a species I didn’t recognize.  Stickly thin, almost the point of looking emaciated and with grey skin.  When he opened his mouth to speak I noted a pointy tongue, slid across a row of razor sharp teeth. 

“Greetings,” he said as I rose from my seat.  His voice, oddly melodic for such vampirish features.

“Greetings,” I parroted back, doing my best to hide my fatigue.  “I am Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation Starship _Voyager.”_

“Ah, yes.  Just the vessel I’d been looking for.”

“Oh?”

“Yes,” he replied with a slight hiss.  “My name is Haq’k.  I am a tradesman in this sector and I would like to inquire as to whether or not you are in need of something I can provide.”

I sighed.  “We’re not in need of much at the moment, Mr. Haq’k, but I thank you for asking.”

Tired and slightly annoyed, I was about to bid him safe travels when he stopped me. 

“I can see you’re clearly a very busy individual, Captain.  So I’ll cut to the tongue.  A delegation from your vessel were on Delravy several clicks ago, inquiring about a particularly hard-to-acquire material.”

My eyes narrowed their focus.  “That is true,” I replied.  “I wasn’t aware that word had gotten out.”

“My connections keep me well informed.  I am curious as to whether or not you are still in need of the aforementioned item.”

“We may be,” I replied.  “Would you care to rendezvous?  Come aboard so that we can discuss further, in person?”

“That would be most favorable, Captain.  And I thank you for your time.”

“We can be to your location in…” I threw a glance back to Harry.

“Nine hours,” came a response from Ops.

“Nine hours,” I reiterated.

His smile reached from what appeared to be an ear-bud to ear-bud, pointed teeth pressed against brown lips.  “Fantastic.”

* * *

_I hadn’t heard Chakotay enter the bridge during the conversation with Haq’k.  But he had witnessed the entire exchange.  The moment that the comm line was severed he requested to speak with me in private._

_It was in the harsh light of my ready room that I finally allowed myself to see just how quickly his health was failing.  Dark circles punctuated abnormally pale skin like ink on a page. His characteristically straight posture had been abandoned in favor of a less energetic slouch. Once-steady hands rustled against black slacks as he fought a losing battle to control the tremors coursing through them._

_But it was something deeper that pained me most of all—an attitude that I could only describe as unexpectedly broken._

* * *

“You shouldn’t meet with him,” Chakotay said before the doors had completely closed behind us.

I shook my head and made my way around my desk to take a seat.

“Why not?”

“He’s Vacli.  One of the species that are at war here.”

I sank back in my chair.  “Well, that does complicate things a bit, doesn’t it?”          

“A Vacli man…” he said, then ran his fingers through his already disheveled hair.  “I killed a Vacli man...”

At that, I bit my lip and let out a sigh.  “You were _attacked._ You acted in self-defense.”

“We shouldn’t be doing business in this sector,” he said bluntly, leaning himself forward onto my desktop with both hands.  “We should just get through and look somewhere else.”

I absorbed the tenacity of his words and thought for a moment.  It might be questionable, dealing with a representative of a race currently ensconced in war, but it wasn’t explicitly prohibited.  I’d have to be careful what we offered as compensation, of course.  And given the normally high price of alitrium I wasn’t exactly optimistic. As for Chakotay’s personal demons, upset as I knew he would be, I couldn’t really take them into account. 

“I’m going to meet with him,” I decided.  “I at least need to hear what he has to offer.  And what he wants in return.”

“I know what they’re going to want.”

“Which is?”

“Technology.  They want something that will turn the war.”

“You know this for a fact?” I asked, not having heard this part of the transaction.

“It was alluded to, by several people we asked.”

“Okay.  I’ll keep that in mind.  You know that I wouldn’t be willing to trade technology anyway…”

“I do know that.”

“Then what is it?  Are you afraid that this Haq’k individual is connected with the people that got you into trouble?”

“We know he got the information from somewhere.”

“True, but you did a lot of asking around on that planet.”

Chakotay leaned forward further, and sighed.  His posture telling me that he lacked the energy to argue.  “This is a bad idea, Kathryn.  And you know it.”

“I don’t have enough facts to know anything yet.”

Without warning his entire demeanor changed.  “You don’t think I know what I’m talking about,” he snapped, drawing himself upright, his glare pushing into me.  “You think because I’m not sleeping that I can’t be objective.”

I stood slowly, tilting down to impart calm and concern.  “I think you’ve been through a lot –“

“And you’re not sure if you can trust my judgement anymore.”

“I trust your judgement, Chakotay.  That hasn’t changed.  Nothing will change that.”

“What then?”

I took a calming breath and let it out.  “Alitrium alloy, in any quantity, will allow us to defend _Voyager_ and keep our people safe.  We are _dangerously_ low on torpedoes and this is the first time we’ve run across any kind of hint of alitrium in three years.  Now, you have my word, I will not break any Federation laws in providing resources to Mr. Haq’k.  But, I have to at least hear what he has to say and see if we can reach an agreement.”

“Will you ask where he got the alitrium in the first place?  What, or _whom_ , he traded it for?”

“If it will make you feel better, yes.  I’ll ask.”

Without missing a beat, Chakotay replied, “Fine.  But I’d like it noted in the log that I object.”

At this I jerked back, eyeing him again but his face remained stoic, resolute.

“To what, exactly?”

“The whole thing.  All of it.  I object.”

Then I straightened with a nod and made myself serious.  “So noted.”

He turned on his heel and made for the door, walking with a bit of a limp I hadn’t noticed before.  At the exit he paused and looked back to me.  I swore he had something else to say.  A more personal warning, perhaps.  But whatever it was, it died before leaving his tongue.

* * *

_Later that afternoon Chakotay recused himself from duty.  I don’t know if the timing of his resignation just happened to coincide with our disagreement or not.  Either way it was a bitter pill to swallow, for both of us.  He seemed calmer, at least, when he informed me of his decision.  And to be honest, after the exchange we had I was grateful that he stepped aside before I had to relieve him._

_He agreed to spend the next few days and nights in sickbay under observation.  The Doctor reasoned that if he could observe Chakotay uninterrupted by duty, he might be able to gather even more information about how the implant worked.  At best, he hoped to find a way to halt the signals being sent from the device, at least long enough to allow him to have a restful few hours of sleep._

_Unfortunately, that wasn’t to be the case._

* * *

_‘Doctor to Captain Janeway.’_

“Janeway here,” I replied, glancing up from a padd.  Hunched over my desk, I was attempting to finish a few duty roster changes in the hour before we would intercept Haq’k.

_‘I think you’d better get down to sickbay, Captain.’_

Panic, like ice, coursed through my veins.  “On my way.”

Nothing – nothing – could have prepared me for the sight I was met with when I arrived.

Backed up against the wall, dressed only in a tee shirt and pajama pants, Chakotay held a rigidly defensive stance.  Dark hair was pushed down across his brow like a fallen canopy, partially shrouding the wild look in his eyes. He wielded what appeared to be the leg of one of the medical bay tables in one hand and a pillow in the other.  Equipment had been thrown about the area, and the Doctor had retreated behind the nearest bed.

 “Get away from me!” Chakotay shouted in the Doctor’s direction, but not quite at the Doctor himself.  He hadn’t acknowledged in any way that I had just arrived.

“I said, get the _hell_ away from ME!”

Frantically he began swinging the pipe-like leg, crossing and swooshing it as if he was defending against an attack. 

“What happened?” I asked, sidling up to the Doctor.

“He was in the middle of a REM cycle.  I came in and found him like this.  I believe he’s experiencing what would be considered a night terror.  He’s acting like he is awake, but he’s still very much asleep, for lack of a better term.”

Chakotay backed further against the wall, shouting unintelligibly and slashing at invisible foes.  “I don’t have it!  Leave me alone!”

“I didn’t want to alert security,” the Doctor said.  “Not much good they could do anyway.”

“Agreed.  Can you sedate him?”

“I can, yes.  But I’m not sure how it will affect the implant.”

“So you’re suggesting we let him just…”

“Ride it out until he wakes.”

At that moment, Chakotay stopped fighting.  The hand that had been grasping the silver pipe for dear life released, and it clattered to the ground.  He doubled over, as if he had just been sucker punched; gasping, he sunk to the floor.  As he retched for breath, words were sputtered that I couldn’t understand. 

My feet took me to him with the Doctor hot on my heels.  “Captain!” he shouted after me, but his words were lost in the fog of adrenaline and fear.  “He’s not in his right mind, he could injure you.”

I heard the warning but I didn’t care.  Chakotay was hurting, maybe even dying, at least in his nightmare.  I had to get to him.

I crouched down low, trying to draw his gaze but his chin was still tucked to his chest.  And then, in the blink of an eye, he reached forward, grabbed me by the front of my uniform jacket with one hand with the other lurched for the pipe. 

It was a blur - the pipe soaring toward my head, the guttural cry I imagine he once used in combat with the Cardassians, and the heat radiating from his entire body consumed my senses.  I closed my eyes, unable to do anything substantial to defend myself while I waited for him to strike.


	4. Chapter 4

_Thank God for the Doctor.  If that pipe had hit me as Chakotay intended…_

_I looked up to see the EMH holding Chakotay by the wrist.  In one swift move, the Commander was disarmed; in another he was sedated.  I remember the feeling of his heavy, limp body crushing onto mine as I squirmed out from underneath him._

_As it turned out, the Doctor was able to gather some valuable data while Chakotay was unconscious.  Sedation appeared to be safe, and it interrupted the implant’s cycle, but it didn’t exactly help him either.  He still received none of the real benefits of rest._

_It was simply a pause._

_A chance for the rest of us to think about our options._

_Little did I know, my best – and worst – option was about to fly into Voyager’s shuttlebay not fifteen minutes later._

* * *

“We’re both busy people, so I’ll get right to the point,” Haq’k said once we had settled into the conference room.  He had already waved off Neelix’s attempt to provide him with refreshment and was now sitting at the opposite end of the table from me.  “I have eighty-nine cc’s of ultra-enriched, alitrium alloy with which to barter.”

“That’s quite an impressive amount,” I said, looking to B’Elanna at my left.  She began typing numbers into the padd in front of her.  “What were you looking to get in return?”

“Medical supplies,” he replied, sliding me his list.  “Here are my needs.”

I thumbed through the file.  It was rather comprehensive, but nothing on it stood out as being something we couldn’t readily replicate and provide.  At first glance, this trade looked almost too good to be true.  I did my best to hide my optimism.

“We’d need to have a sample of the material,” I said, then I turned to B’Elanna.  She leaned in close and whispered, “Forty-six,” into my ear.

 _‘Forty-six torpedoes worth of alitrium,’_ I thought. _‘This has to be too good to be true.’_

“Of course, of course,” he waved me off.  “I brought a sample with me for you to validate.”

Chakotay’s warning from earlier rang through my head.  “I believe we could provide everything you have listed here,” I said.  “But I have to ask, how did you come to be in possession of the alitrium?  I don’t believe I’ve ever had it offered in such a large amount before.”

“My home world used alitrium as the combusting agent in our power generators.”

“You don’t anymore?”

“About ten years ago, Am’mh rebels launched an initiative to destroy all of our power facilities.  They were quite…thorough.  The alitrium is of little value to us now.  Though it has other uses, as I’m sure you know.”  Averting his eyes downward as if to demure, he continued, “It’s not my business of course, but my previous buyer used it in a rather sophisticated weapon, I assume you’re doing the same.”

I nodded.  “To be honest, yes.   We have a long way to go to get home and unfortunately not everyone we encounter is as amiable as you have been.”

“I do understand that, of course.  And since you were honest with me, I’ll tell you why I’ve requested medical supplies.  I’m not proud to say, most of our population are injured or sick on account of the war.  Should you be able to provide them, you would be saving a lot of lives.”  He lowered his head and his voice then asked, “You don’t have any regulations against saving lives, do you?”

At this my attention jerked upwards.  “No.  Of course not.”

“Might you have these supplies available?” he asked, tapping two fingers together.

“Yes.  Yes, it shouldn’t be a problem.  It will take us a day or so to get them all together.”

Really?” he asked, incredulous.  “Perhaps I’ve set my price too low.”

“I think your price is just fine, Mr. Haq’k.”

“Hm,” he said, drumming his fingers once again.  “This was to be a negotiation, was it not?”

“I believe we’ve just negotiated,” I said with a stern smile.

“I’ll tell you what,” Haq’k said, folding his hands calmly in front of him on the table.  Then he clicked one long fingernail against the surface.  “I’ve always had a great interest in other cultures, other technologies, _other people_.  It’s not often I come upon a vessel as shiny and sophisticated as yours.  I would _so_ enjoy a tour.”

Haq’k swung his briefcase up onto the table and unlatched the lock.  Opening it slowly, for what I assumed was dramatic effect, he then spun it around to reveal a sealed, metallic beaker with a clear window.  Suspended inside was a small fragment of blackened metal.

“I trust that’s not too much to ask?” 

When I looked back to B’Elanna she was smiling. 

“Mr. Neelix would be delighted to take you on a tour.”

* * *

_It took B’Elanna and me the better part of an hour to validate the sample that Haq’k had provided us.  In the meanwhile I had sent word to the Doctor to begin replicating a portion of the medical supplies for a show of good faith._

_When we were certain of the alitrium’s purity, and it’s compatibility for use in our torpedoes, I could have cried._

_Finally, finally our luck was changing._

_Our deal was finalized quickly once Haq’k’s tour was over, after which he departed Voyager.  By that point I was exhausted.  I couldn’t remember the last time I had eaten and I was desperately in need of a shower and a good night’s rest._

_I had made it through two of those three necessities when my door chimed._

* * *

“Have you been to see Chakotay?” B’Elanna asked, standing in my entryway.

“No.  I mean, not since this morning.  Why?”

“I just tried to…” she said. “I’ve been meeting up with him at least once a day since, well.  You know.”

I nodded, trying to motion her in but she remained at the door, content to stand with her arms crossed against her chest.

“He wouldn’t see me tonight,” she said softly.  “It’s the first time he’s turned me down for dinner.”

The familiar ache returned to my heart.  I had allowed myself to be thoroughly distracted by the trade and now felt extremely guilty for not having thought of Chakotay much at all in the last few hours.

“Where is he now?”

“In his quarters.  He wouldn’t let me come in.”  There was a long, silent pause that hung in the air between us and then she spoke again.  “What do you think is going to happen to him?”

I shook my head.  “I’m not sure.  But I know that after this morning the Doctor was optimistic about using sedation to –“

“Draw things out?”

I bit my lip on a sigh.  “Give him some more time to explore other possibilities.”

“The Doctor hasn’t come up with any new ideas in days, Captain.”

“He’s still working on a couple of theories.”

“Are you sure about that?” she asked, raising an eyebrow.  “Because he and I have been working pretty closely and I haven’t heard any new ideas in a while.”

And then I stopped to think.  There had been theories, hadn’t there?  Something about localized radiation therapy, or using a series of cortical analeptics.  There was the thought of removing one of the nodes that had wormed its way into a less risky hemisphere.  Or did he already attempt that already? 

“Yes. Yes, I’m sure,” I waved flippantly, decidedly unsure at my response.  “B’Elanna, I know it’s hard to watch Chakotay like this.  But we have to be optimistic.  The Doctor will find a solution.  Or Chakotay will get used to it and he’ll be able to rest again.  I know he will be fine, I know it.”

And in that moment, as in all the moments before, I believed my own lie.  I honestly, truly believed that Chakotay could conquer anything.  This was just a bump in the road and in a week or a month it would all be behind us.  He’d be back next to me on the bridge and we’d be sailing smoothly once again.  I wasn’t sure how yet, but it had to be true.

She shook her head.  “I wish I had your faith.”

* * *

_B’Elanna left my quarters and I tried to go to sleep—I really did.  But after an hour of tossing and turning, I couldn’t get Chakotay out of my thoughts._

_For the first time since he returned from Delravy, I started to wonder if maybe I was being stupidly hopeful.  He’d grown weak and short-tempered, been relieved of duty, even attacked me in sickbay. Still, it was hard for me to see him as anything other than how I always had—vigorous, strong, and always by my side no matter what.  We had been through so much out here; we’d survived against incredible odds, and every time had emerged relatively unscathed.  How could this be any different?_

_But, truth be told, I was trying to avoid seeing with my own eyes just how bad off he really was.  I was also dodging the topic of my deal with Haq’k.  Strung out, exhausted and completely biased on the situation, I figured he’d be furious with me and I didn’t want to have to deal with that._

_At 0200 hours my conscience got the better of me and I chimed his door.  I certainly didn’t expect what would greet me inside that room._

* * *

Chakotay’s quarters had been strewn about with all manner of clothing, dishes and more mugs than I could count.  Padds, books, toiletries, all scattered like they had simply been dropped when he had run out of energy to carry them.  The room had a fetid smell to it, of spoiled food and stale coffee. 

My eyes darted, accessing the situation and then finally came to rest on a slumped shadow in the corner.

“I wish you hadn’t come,” he said, softly.

“I wanted to see…”

“How I’m doing?”

“Yes.”  I took a few steps closer to him.

“Please, don’t.”

With a hard swallow I stopped moving.  “I’d like to help you. Do you mind if I cleaned up?”

“You don’t need to do that.”

“I know,” I said, reaching for half a bowl of broth which sat idle on the coffee table.  “But I want to.”  I bussed the dishes and glasses into the replicator and then started in on the other items.

From the corner came a low groan.  I took it to be a weak protest of my efforts but ignored him and finished tidying in short order.

“Can I get you anything?”

Chakotay groaned and planted his hands on the arms of the chair.  Then he pushed down with extreme effort to lift himself up very slowly. 

“Please, you don’t have to get up.”

“I need to move,” he said.  “Otherwise I’ll fall asleep again.”

“Oh.”

“Would you like some coffee?” he asked walking slowly to the replicator, using chairs and tables for support as he went.

“No.  Not right now, thank you.”

“I think I’ve drank more coffee in these last two weeks than I have in my entire life,” he said with a weak laugh.

“Is it safe?” I asked.  “All that caffeine… given your condition.”

“Probably not.  But it works, so I don’t really care.”

“Oh.”

The hot drink materialized in front of him and he took it, breathed it in, his mannerisms reminding me very much of my own.  Then in a few quick gulps he drank down the entire thing only to collapse into a dining room chair.

“I’ve got maybe a half hour,” he said seriously.  “Then I’m going to have to lie down.”

“I understand.”

I slid into a chair across the table from him and met his eyes, waiting for him to draw energy enough to speak again. 

“Did you make a deal with Haq’k?”

“Yes.” 

I could see him fighting to gather his thoughts.  “I gave you my opinion on him, didn’t I?  On doing business in this sector?” he asked, appearing genuinely unsure.

“You did.”

“But you made the deal anyway?”

I sighed, feeling suddenly guilty for going against his advice especially since he wasn’t in much of a condition to argue harder for his position.  “He offered us enough alitrium to make four dozen torpedoes and at a very low, and acceptable cost.  It was a good deal and I took it.”

Chakotay shook his head wordlessly.  Disappointment reigning on his face.

“I was careful, Chakotay.  His ship is basically defenseless against _Voyager_ and he trusted us enough to come onboard alone and unarmed.  We are providing him with only basic medical supplies.”

“When does he deliver?”

“Tomorrow, 0900.”

“You’ll have security?”

“Yes.  Of course.”  He eyed me and then slouched forward, laying his forehead into his hands, rubbing his fingers through his hair.  He took a measured breath and then said, “I need you to leave now.”

His request took me by surprise.  “Chakotay… you’re not really that upset about –“

“No.  You’re the captain.  It’s your call.”

“Then why –“

“Just.  Go, please,” he said, pushing himself up against the table.  “I can’t…”

Dragging his feet across the floor, using the wall for stability, he disappeared into the bedroom.

And I left.

* * *

_Sleep came to me eventually, though I was certain it still eluded Chakotay.  The next morning, with an untouched breakfast in front of me, I considered the events of the night before._

_Chakotay’s inherent - and potentially prejudiced - distrust of Haq’k still bothered me.  Was he really that skewed thanks to his encounter on the planet?  Probably.  Were his nightmares making him paranoid?  Likely.  Was I otherwise blind to something important?  I hoped not._

_When it came down to it, Haq’k wasn’t any different than any other merchant we had dealings with in the past.  After brief consideration I was more determined than ever to make this trade, to prove Chakotay wrong, and to make something good come of this despicable situation._

_At 0900 hours I welcomed Haq’k back onto Voyager.  By 0930 the purity of the alitrium had been validated against the sample and our cases of medical supplies were loaded onto his vessel._

_It was time to get him off of my ship so that we could continue our journey home._

* * *

“It’s been a pleasure doing business with you, Captain,” Haq’k said with a toothy smile.

“Yes, well.  I’m glad we could reach a mutually beneficial agreement.”

“Indeed, indeed.  And I’m sure that you’ll put that alitrium to good and honorable use,” he said with a raise of the eyebrow.

“Just as you will make equitable use of the medical supplies we have given you," I countered.

“Yes.  Yes, indeed.”

“Well, I believe it’s time for _Voyager_ to be on her way,” I remarked, hoping to move things along.  “Safe travels, Mr. Haq’k.”

“Actually, there was one other item which I thought we might try to negotiate for,” he said just before reaching the door to his vessel.

“I’m afraid there isn’t much more that _Voyager_ needs at the moment, but thank you.”

“Is that so?  Because I seem to remember hearing that you had a crewmember, perhaps a high-ranking one that was… how shall I say it, not at his best?”

At this my vision sharpened, but I remained silent. 

“I’ll come to the point, Captain.  Since you don’t seem to be one to linger around the Mishipa tree.  I can offer you a way to end that prison sentence your officer is currently serving.  One that I’ve got on good authority is slowly killing him.”

“How did you –“

He silenced me with a wave of his ashen, four-fingered hand.  “It’s inconsequential how I obtain my intelligence.  Only that I know it to be true.  Those Delravians, they sure know how to punish a person, don’t they?”

“Okay, then.  Since you seem to be privy to our business.  We were told there was no way to deactivate the implant.  Or remove it.”

“There’s a way.  There’s _always_ a way.”

I straightened my uniform jacket and squared my shoulders.  “I’m listening.”

“I can offer you the protocol for bringing your officer out of his torture,” he said confidently.

“I’m assuming this will cost me.”

“Oh, yes,” he sneered.  “You know, that was quite an interesting tour your Mr. Neelix took me on yesterday.  He’s a talkative fellow… Your crew is just lovely.  And your journey to return home… It’s heartwarming, really.  You’re like a little lost family.”

“I thought you weren’t going to mince words, Haq’k.”

“Mr. Neelix was also quite proud to show me how you can make food and drink appear out of thin air.”

My stomach clenched.  “Our replicators.”

“Indeed.  I’m sure they able to produce more than just sustenance, are they not?  Other materials, devices, that sort of thing.  Perhaps it’s how you provided me with the medical supplies?”

“Yes.”

“Well, then I think that a replicator is an item which I would like to acquire.  You seem to have many, certainly you can spare one… in exchange _for a life_.”

I steadied myself, trying to become immune to his words.  “It violates our Prime Directive to provide technology, especially given what I know of the dispute in this sector and of the war on your home world.”

“Oh, that insipid war.  With both sides so evenly matched, one wonders if it will ever end.  It just ruins everything,” he said, feigning boredom and picking at his pointy teeth with one fingernail.  “Ah, well.  It is a shame we can’t be of use to each other again,” he continued, voice dripping with over-exaggerated disappointment.  “If you should happen to change your mind, I’ll be in range for at least another week.  You know how to contact me.”

“Wait.  Wait.”  I licked my lips and wrung my hands for a brief moment, mind running through the options.  “Surely there must be something else I can offer.  I’ll double your haul of medical supplies.  Or, I’ll give you back the alitrium.”

“With a replicator I can make all of the medical supplies I’d ever need.  Not to mentions some other… _useful_ things _._ ”

I shook my head.  “I can’t.  You have to understand, I’m expressly prohibited from trading our technology.  Surely I can appeal to your sense of compassion and decency.  You asked for items to help people, you must be in this for more than just profit.”

“I asked for medical supplies because they save lives, and lives are valuable in trade.  You see, on _my_ home world, a life is only worth what you can barter for it.  If the life of your officer isn’t worth a replicator, well then, I’m afraid that’s just business.”

A wave of nausea overtook me at the greater implication of his statement, while simultaneously I felt the chance at a cure for Chakotay slipping away.

Haq’k turned and clicked the control panel to open the hatch to his vessel.  As he lifted one heavy-booted foot inside I found myself unable to resist asking him one more question.  A question that should not have even entered my mind, let alone been allowed to leave my lips.  I walked closer, sure to be out of earshot of the security guards.

“What would you do with a replicator?  If you had one?”

He froze, one foot inside his vessel, one still on the shuttle-bay floor.  Then he turned a slow cheek back to look at me with the type of sly, upturned smile one would expect from a villain in a child’s picture book.

“You don’t really want to ask me that question, do you?” he leeched, low and soft.

“I do.”

“But, then I’d be obliged to tell you the truth.  And that might make your decision even more difficult.  Better to stay fast to your principles and use your time planning a memorial service.  You do plan to honor him after he’s dead, don’t you?”

“Answer... the question.”  I said through gritted teeth. 

He leaned back out a bit, hand gripping the side of the hatch-way and leered at me.  “I’ll tell you what.  Why don’t you just imagine the worst possible answer, and assume it’s what I would say.”


	5. Chapter 5

_Chakotay was dying an excruciatingly slow, and agonizing death.  I realize that now more than I had at the time.  I was so deeply rooted in my denial that a man could actually perish just from lack of sleep, I think I was blind to it._

_But toward the end Chakotay had to be moved from his quarters back to sickbay permanently.  He was so weak, and too unstable to transport. Just getting him to a biobed must have felt like torture._

_It’s hard for me to think about the way he looked.  Terribly frail and more exhausted than I ever thought someone could while still breathing.  His pallid complexion only served to highlight the torment that lived as a gloss over his vacant eyes.  His muscles had grown so weak that he could barely keep his parched lips together._

_Propped on pillows, doped on a concoction of stimulates, he just lolled there._

_Waiting for it all to end._

_Waiting for me to make another decision I was simply unable to make._

* * *

I walked into sickbay to find Kes by his bedside, lights dimmed, air cool.  She was hovered low against him, hand on his arm.  A brief nod signaled that she was aware of my presence and I hung back out of earshot.  A few minutes later, she gathered a blanket from the chair – the woven wool throw from his quarters that B’Elanna had brought him earlier.  Then she pulled it over his body as he lay tucked in the fetal position, and she walked toward me.

“He, um…” Kes began, trying to steady her voice.  “The Doctor gave him something, just to keep him from falling asleep again.  The dreams are very hard on his heart…”  She looked as if she had something else to say so I paused before moving away.  “Captain, he’s going to ask you something.”

Our eyes met and she spoke to me again with all sincerity.

“I think you should consider his request,” she said, then she retreated to the Doctor’s office.  Unsure of what she meant, I went to him.

“Kathryn?” he whispered, as I came into his view.

“Yes,” I said, placing my hand on his shoulder.  “I’m here.”  Still on his side, he tilted his head slightly to look up at me.  I pulled a chair forward and sat down.  Faces now level, his eyes spoke to me more than his words ever could.

“How are you holding out?” I asked.

He hazarded a long swallow.  “I’m so… tired.” 

My gaze diverted to his upturned palm as I ran my hand slowly down his arm, clasping him.

“I just want to sleep.  But I can’t,” he said.  “I can’t sleep, Kathryn.  I try.  But I’m just awake again.”

“I know.”

“I’m so tired,” he repeated, focus drifting to a point behind me.

Having nothing more to offer than my silent company I sat with him for a while.  Stillness punctuated by ragged breaths.  After a time he shifted slightly.

“I keep thinking about what’s going to happen.  About my options,” he said, no tone left to his failing voice.

I should have seen where he was going, but never in a million years would I have predicted the words that would be next to fall from his lips.

“I keep thinking about Quinn.  About the choice you let him make.”

 _‘He’s going to ask you something,’_ Kes had said.

_No, no.  God, please no._

“Kathryn,” he whispered.  “Please.  I think –“

“No,” I replied, firmly, not letting him finish his request. 

“No?”

I shook my head, biting back the gripping tightness which had lodged itself in my throat.  “No, you can’t give up yet.”

“Why not?”

“There’s a chance, Chakotay,” I found myself pleading.  “There’s always a chance.”

“Not for me.  Not anymore.”

“You just have to stay strong, just a little longer.”

“You keep saying that,” he said seriously, then slowly he went on.  “My strength is gone.  Please, I don’t want to die in that life.  This is the last thing I have control over.”

I shook my head and the tears which had clung to my lashes fell free down my cheeks.  “I can’t.  I can’t let you.”

“Oh…” he said, and I saw an unnamed realization sparked in his eyes.  He pulled his hand out of my own and wrapped it tight against his chest.  “Oh. No,” he said, rolling his head from side to side.

“What?” I asked, suddenly concerned.  “What is it?”

“No.  I understand now.”

“Understand what?”

“This.  You.  You’re the dream,” he said, breath ragged and voice pained.  “You’re not real.  You're another illusion.”

Brow furrowed deeply in confusion, I reached out for the blanket covering his legs and rested my hand upon his bent knees.

“I’m real, Chakotay. You’re not dreaming.”

“I must be.  Please,” he begged, looking toward the ceiling.  “Please let me wake up.  I need to leave.  Please…”

“Chakotay,” I repeated sternly.  “You _are_ awake.”

“I can’t be,” he said, meeting my eyes one final time.  “The real Kathryn, she loves me.  She’d never want me to suffer past hope.

“She’d let me go.”

* * *

_My feet carried me out of sickbay faster than they ever had before.  Around the corner, into the empty corridor, and straight back to my quarters, I fled without thinking._

_And more than being distraught, I was livid.  How dare he?  Regardless of his physical state, how dare he ask me for permission to end his own life.  How dare he put that on me, and then judge me when I denied him._

_I still had hope. How could he give up?_

* * *

 

“So,” B’Elanna concluded with a sigh, hand run over her forehead ridges.  Three of the new torpedoes have been outfitted with the detonators from Haq’k’s alitrium.  Preliminary tests look pretty good,” she said, fidgeting with the padd she had brought with her.

“That’s good, B’Elanna.  Very good,” I muttered, only half paying attention.

She ran her hand through her hair again and then stood from the seat in front of me.  I took another sip of my lukewarm coffee and groaned.

“There has to be another way,” B’Elanna said, pacing the length of my ready room.  “There has to be.  What _aren’t_ we seeing?”

I shook my head, too tired to think about the situation anymore, too guilt-ridden not to.

“I don’t know, but there is a way.  I know that much now.”

B’Elanna stopped and look at me curiously.  “You _know_ it?”

I’m not sure if it was guilt or exhaustion that caused me to divulge the next bit of information.  Whichever it was, I certainly incensed her carefully managed temper.

“Just before he left, Haq’k told me.”

B’Elanna’s eyes shot wide open.  She leaned her head in and said, “What?”

“Haq’k tried to bargain with me for a way to deactivate the implant.  I know there is a way to do it, because he told me so.”

“I…uh.  Wait, _what_?” she said, disbelief quickly turning to anger. “Haq’k offered you a way to save Chakotay and… why?  Why didn’t you jump at it?”

“Mr. Haq’k is only interested in bargaining for one thing,” I informed her tiredly.  “Valuable, Starfleet technology that I am bound by the Prime Directive _not_ to provide to a technologically inferior, warring civilization.”

“What did he ask for?” she questioned, voice rising slightly.

“A replicator.”

She opened her mouth to speak and I could see—I could _hear—_ her words before she even began to form them.  She was going to tell me to shove the Prime Directive. She was going to remind me that we’re out here, on our own, and that Chakotay’s life is more important.  She was going to light into me about being self-righteous and –

Except, that wasn’t what happened. Instead, she just started to pace again.  I watched her for a bit until suddenly her eyes lit up. 

“Captain.” Turning to me, head tilted ever so slightly, she eyed me with an odd expression.   “It’s funny you should mention replicators…,” she said nonchalantly, her finger tracing the edge of the padd in her hand. 

“Why is that?”

“I heard you’ve been having trouble with yours again.”

With a jerk of my head, I inadvertently alerted her to the fact that I was not at all expecting her change in topic.

“Actually,” I said slowly, slightly confused.  “It’s working fine.”

“Ah,” she replied, but when she began again, her tone betrayed the double meaning to her words.  “If it were to… malfunction again, we might consider just replacing it.  I could do it myself.  Perhaps, tonight.  After shift.”

And then I realized, _this_ was how we would continue our conversation.  

She was offering me an option.  And, it appeared, she had something else to add.

She cleared her throat and made herself formal again.  “As I said, we’ll be ready to test the new torpedoes soon,” she continued, and then she moved through a few screens on her padd and placed it on my desk.  Displayed there was the design for an empty casing, internal dimensions visible.  “I’m not entirely confident in the new detonators though.  I expect we might have a misfire the first go around.” 

“Thank you, Lieutenant.  I’ll keep that in mind.”

My eyes didn’t leave her face as she bit her lip.  “The um…Doctor’s been having some issues as well.  There’s a glitch in his short-term memory buffer.  I may have to take him offline soon.  There could be a few… lapses in his ability to recall recent events.”

“That is unfortunate,” I replied.  And there it was.  In just three short and improvised reports, she had laid it out for me—a complete and total plan on how to break the rules without immediate consequences, or at the very least, witnesses.  She’d thought of it within just minutes, and I suspect she’d take all the blame if I let her.  But she was waiting for me to pull the trigger, I could see that much in her eyes.  She must have made a damn fine Maquis, but right then she was about to prove her loyalty as a Starfleet officer.

“Thank you for your updates, Lieutenant.  They’re most informative.  But let me be very clear about one thing.  And I want you to think about it very carefully.”  My feet found their way firmly planted on the floor as I rose slowly and steadily to look her in the eye.  “If you contact Mr. Haq’k, or do anything resembling what you’ve just insinuated, I will make sure that you don’t see the outside of your quarters until we return to the Alpha Quadrant.  Do I make myself clear?”

My threat hung in the air, thick and heavy.

“Perfectly,” she bit back.  Without waiting to be dismissed, she moved to leave.

I could see the rage building with each step as she traveled to the door.  Even as her back was turned to me, I felt her anger.  I knew her pain and her frustration.  I had an equal amount of these things burning within myself.  It didn’t surprise me when she spun slowly on the heels of her shoes and faced me again.

She didn’t bother to ask me for permission, and given the circumstances I wasn’t about to hold her to protocol.  She deserved an honest chance to speak her mind and I deserved to hear it.

“Can you do me just one favor, Captain?” she asked me a little too calmly.  “There are a few things I’d like you to think about too.”

I nodded my head, unblinking, breath still as I braced myself for what was sure to be an onslaught of Klingon proportions.

She sauntered closer, coming back to my desk.  Each step was soft and carefully placed.  It threw me, this quiet brooding anger - so out of character for a woman usually so obvious with her emotions - I didn’t know what to make of it.

“I don’t want you to think about what it will be like a few days from now when he finally dies, gripping your hand or perhaps mine.  I don’t want you to think about a day after that, when we hold his memorial service and you have to get up and speak about what a fine first officer he was.”

She was close now, chin up and arms loosely relaxed at her sides with only my desk and the thick air between us. 

“I _want_ you to think about a month from now, when Tuvok is sitting in the chair next to you on the bridge instead of him.  I want you to _think_ about five months from now, when he’s not there to make you dinner for your birthday.”

Her words were starting to carry the heat, the bite that I had come to expect and their tone along with their meaning were hitting me with full force.  It was reassuring somehow, hearing her as I had predicted to when she first entered.  She paused for a breath and to lay her hands, palms flat on my desk. 

“I want you to think, about when we finally make it _home_ , and he’s not there.  And you have to explain to his sister what happened.  And you have to live with the knowledge that you could have _saved him_ and chose not to.  And you have to wake up and know that he could have been _by your side,_ but instead you chose for him to die.”

Her last words hung in the air, lingering there for an extended second.  She didn’t blink, she didn’t waver. 

“Is that all, Lieutenant?” I asked, calmly.

Her eyes narrowed, questioning me, judging me, piercing me.  And she nodded then said with a dripping in disdain.  “That’s all.  _Captain_.”

“Dismissed.”

* * *

_At that point, I was still holding hard and fast to protocol.  I had to.  I was adrift in that terrifying space between two unacceptable outcomes.  I was also distraught and saddened by the fact that my chief engineer was so willing to do whatever was necessary to save him, where I was not._

_My wakeup call came later that afternoon, and it was oh-so-close to being too late._

_What a fool I was, to think I really ever had a choice at all._

* * *

 

“Commander Chakotay has requested a DNR.”

The Doctor’s words rattled around in my tired brain.  The seriousness with which he relayed that crucial information was not lost on me, even with my inability to process the acronym.

“You’ll have to excuse me, Doctor.  But what is a DNR?”

“Do not resuscitate.” 

His words hit me like a brick.

“In the event that his heart stops, or he ceases to breathe, Mr. Chakotay does not wish to have artificial means used on him to bring him back around.”

I blinked hard.  The meaning seeping slowly through my veins.  “So… he’d just…”

“Die,” the Doctor confirmed without hesitation.  “Which brings me to my next topic of discussion.  I know that the Commander has discussed with you his desire to bring a peaceful end to his life.  I am prepared to facilitate that final act.”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I replied, putting my hand in the air to stop him from further conversation on the matter.

“Captain.  I do not wish to belabor the point, but I’ve told you just as I’ve told the Commander.  There is no way for me to stop what is happening to him.  He is suffering and he will continue to suffer until someone does something.  Now, a solution to this problem is not going to present itself out of nowhere.  I’ve exhausted all -”

“You don’t know that.”

“Captain.  Believe me, I’m the last one to give up on anything, especially on this ship.  I act in the best interest of my patients above all else.  But the Commander is now refusing eat.  And to drink.  And given his choice of a DNR, I’m not inclined to force sustenance.  His heart is going to fail.  It’s only a matter of time, and not much time at that.”

I was doing some kind of combination head-shake and nod while my feet ached to carry me away from him, out of his office, out of sickbay, as far away as I could get.   _‘I can’t, I can’t be here anymore,’_ I thought.  _‘This isn’t happening, I’m not having this conversation.’_ Then finally, I managed, “I'll talk to him.  I’ll get him to change his mind about the DNR.  I’ll convince him to have something to eat.”  And then my legs really did move me away.  “You should just keep working on your theories.”

“Captain,” the Doctor said, his voice calm and firm.  I stopped my steps and turned back to him as he stood before his desk.  “There are no more theories.  There haven’t been.  Not for at least a week.  I keep telling you this.”

Was that true?  Had he really told me that there was no hope and I ignored him?  How was that possible? 

“You are, first and foremost, a woman of science.  Please, try to separate yourself from your personal connection with Chakotay for a moment.  Look at the facts.  I cannot remove the implant.  I cannot turn it off.  I can’t offer him any real relief from its effects.”

I did my best to do as the Doctor asked, to think in terms of a patient instead of my friend, the man that I had grown so close to, the man that I… no.  No, I couldn’t go there.  He was a patient, any other member of the crew.  “Maybe we need to look at other options.  What about stasis?”

The Doctor sighed.  “We’ve been through this, Captain.  Stasis is a possibility, but not for long.  In his current state he’d make it maybe two weeks.  And for what?  We’re in a warzone.  No one here can help.  It’s not as if someone is just going to fly up to our shuttlebay door and offer a salve.”

“You can’t honestly tell me that you’re giving up.”

With the Doctor quickly growing weary of my interrogation, he offered me one final thought.

“This is not so dissimilar to the virus that stranded you and the Commander on New Earth.  Yes, there was a cure.  But without Doctor Pel, I would not have been able to create it by myself.  As much as I hate to admit it, there are limits to what even I can do.  I am convinced, at this point, that I have no other avenues to pursue.”

* * *

 

_I didn’t even bother to acknowledge him before I fled sickbay.  I didn’t stop to see Chakotay; I simply walked out._

_“Avenues to pursue.”_

_The words haunted me all the way back to my quarters.  Because, there was another avenue to pursue and it really had “flown up to our shuttlebay door.”  The avenue was shady, uncertain and most definitely in violation of the Prime Directive.  But it did exist._

_I just couldn’t believe that I was about to walk down it._

_I must have paced in my quarters for an hour.  I was so close - so close - to pressing that comm and contacting Haq’k.  Still, I couldn’t bring myself to do it.  I tried to reason, I tried to think of other alternatives.  I even tried convincing myself that handing over a replicator to someone who would most certainly use it to aid one side of a war wasn’t as bad as it sounded._

_But, of course, it was._

_Haq’k was a disreputable individual.  He made profit off of the disadvantaged, was likely a slave trader, and quite possibly had a hand in maneuvering us into this situation in the first place.  I couldn’t enable someone like him._

_And Chakotay was just one life.  One life._

_I probably should have just stayed out of sickbay until it was over._

* * *

 

“The Doctor says you’re not eating,” I said softly, hovering over him.

“I’m not hungry,” he replied, but the slight smile I expected to see never appeared.

“You’re not drinking either.”

He shook his head weakly.  “Not thirsty.”

My eyes closed of their own volition in a reflexive attempt to keep my tears at bay.  In the self-imposed darkness I could hear his rattled breath, weak and slow.

“What do I do?” I asked him softly.  “Please, tell me.  What do I do?”

He was silent as I opened my eyes to look upon his pained face. 

“Do I hold fast to protocol?  And then you die?  Or do I abandon my principles so that you can live?  Tell me, Chakotay.  How do I live with myself tomorrow, regardless of the decision I make?”

“I told B’Elanna...” he whispered.  “It’s wrong.  Don’t do it.”

“I have an obligation to my crew.  To never leave one of you behind.  I can’t…” my words began to sting in the back of my throat, tasting as bitter as reality itself.  “I can’t just let you die.”

“Kathryn,” he said, voice now raspy and sore.  “Enough is enough.”

Unsure, I shook my head.  “What does that mean?”

“You have to let me go.”

I kissed his forehead and held his hand for a while.  We didn’t say much; there wasn’t a need to.  With his final phrase he had made my decision.  I was following his wishes. If nothing else, I was certain of that.

The stimulant that the Doctor had given him so that he wouldn’t drift back to his nightmares slowly wore off and his eyelids grew heavy once again.  His vision began to blur, or so he informed me through an almost silent whisper. 

I remember, he clutched at my hand suddenly, with a strength I didn’t think was still possible.  And then he hissed, “No,” and “Please, no,” and “Not again.”

And went still.

In my hand were the fingers that had just been clutching mine so eagerly, limp but still warm and twitching slightly.  Eyes moving under strained lids, I saw that he was being whisked back to his own personal hell.

I looked to the monitor behind his bed out of reflex more than anything, but was met with a dark, blank panel.

“Doctor!” I shouted, and a moment later, he appeared.

“Yes, Captain?”

“Why is this display turned off?” I asked, half already knowing the answer.

“As I told you earlier, the Commander has requested that no further medical intervention be taken on his behalf.  As such, there is no reason to monitor his vital signs.”

“Turn it on,” I ordered.

“Captain, I –“

“Turn. It. On,” I barked again, still gripping Chakotay’s hand, as if I could somehow keep him rooted here, in this life, and not that other horrible one where I knew he now existed.

The Doctor let out a frustrated sigh and activated the panel as I requested. 

“What is his condition?”

With another huff, he interpreted the readings.  “The Commander is in the early stages of heart failure.  His electrolytes are dangerously low, as is his blood pressure.  Adrenaline levels are off the charts, just as they have been every time he enters REM sleep.”

I was just about to respond - just about to ask for God-knows-what to be administered on his behalf, just about to argue once again – when the panel began to alarm in a thousand different ways at once.  It startled both of us and my eyes darted to decipher what it meant.  Though in my gut I already knew.

This was the end.


	6. Chapter 6

_What happened next was a complete and total blur.  I’m sure I begged and pleaded in a manner completely unbefitting of a Starfleet captain.  The Doctor, ethically bound as he was, refused again and again to intervene, forcing me to take matters into my own hands._

_I remember pounding on his chest._

_I remember the sputtering, stale breath escaping from his lips._

_I remember being reminded of Chakotay’s wishes as the Doctor tried to pull me away._

_And, I remember deactivating him._

* * *

“Janeway to Kes,” I cried the instant the Doctor dematerialized.

_‘Kes here Captain.’_

I compressed his chest again and huffed, “Sickbay, now!”

She didn’t take the time to acknowledge, obviously hearing the panic in my voice.  I kept administering compressions until a minute later, or maybe two, the doors hissed open.

“Captain!” Kes exclaimed, running towards me.  “Where is -”

“Offline,” I shouted.  “Save him!”

“But, Captain…” she said, suddenly understanding, “The Doctor said that we weren’t going to intervene –“

“Do it!” I shouted, tears running down my cheeks. “Please, Kes…”

She took one look at me and, bless her, she did as I asked without further delay.

A few hyposprays, a couple of jolts from the cortical stimulators that she had me place across his brow, and in a matter of moments Kes had snatched a still unconscious Chakotay back from the precipice of death.

I deflated in an exhale of relief.  My forehead fell to rest on the bed surface, my hand gripped his arm.  Every part of me was shaking.

When I had finally regained some semblance of composure I looked to Kes.  Her eyes bore nothing but concern, though I think it was more for me than for her patient.

“Thank you,” I whispered, still unable to find my voice through dwindling panic.

“Captain, I –“

“I’ll explain.  To both of them.  You can go now, Kes.”

She nodded, checked Chakotay again, and then went back silently the way she came.

* * *

_The next thing I did was call B’Elanna.  I think she made it to his bedside before I even closed the comm.  While I made right my uniform and tried to regain some sense of composure, she worked efficiently, accessing the Doctor’s subroutines and selecting memory blocks to wipe.  When we activated him again, there was no recollection of Chakotay’s DNR and so the Doctor went to work further stabilizing him, hydrating him, keeping him that light sedation which prevented the nightmares until his heart could take it again.  If it ever could._

_Once we were satisfied that Chakotay was stable, B’Elanna and I ducked out and made the walk back to my quarters in silence._

_There was a moment, just a flash of acceptance before I retreated into my office to contact Haq’k.  I could hear her getting to work on my replicator while I arranged to sell my soul._

* * *

“Haq’k,” I said as his vile face came across my screen, and with his name my stomach churned.

“Ah, Captain Janeway. How nice to see you again.  And here, I thought our business had concluded.”

“Save it.  Are you still interested in making that deal?”

“Oh, I do hope this doesn’t mean your officer continues to suffer…” Then he raised his eyebrow.  “Or, are you looking to acquire a replacement?  I know a number of nice, strong Vacli men who would serve you well, or if you prefer Am’mh, I can probably scrounge up one or two.”

Hands flat, leaned into the console, I used every last ounce of strength in me to make my terms and intentions clear.  “Listen to me, Haq’k.  And listen closely.  I am going to send you a replicator.  And then you are going to provide me with information on how to disable the implant that’s killing my first officer.  If you do not follow through, I will hunt you down and use you as target practice for all of these beautiful torpedoes I’ve just built.  If the information that you send me is bogus, same deal.  If you ever – _ever –_ have the urge to mention how you obtained our technology or to try to contact _Voyager_ again in any way, I highly suggest that you fight it. 

“ _Do_ I make myself clear?”

Haq’k raised an eyebrow.  “Yes, yes,” he sighed.  “Must we be so dramatic?  Now, how _exactly_ do I go about retrieving my replicator?’

* * *

_In the relative seclusion of the torpedo room, B’Elanna and I worked at modifying one of the new casings to hold our contraband.  We gutted it, removed the Federation markings from the exterior and shoved the replicator inside much like my mother used to stuff a holiday turkey._

_There was an oddly comfortable silence between us, knowing full well the implications of what we were doing.  The only consolation, and it was very small, was that I had B’Elanna program the replicator to wipe its own memory core after fifty uses.  I reasoned that would be enough for Haq’k to test his merchandise, send us our information, and for us to get reasonably far away.  But still, the hardware would be in the hands of God-knows-who and given enough time, the code could be re-written and..._

_Well._

_I simply had to hope that once the replicator failed he wouldn’t be brash enough to come after us, trusting only that behind his flippant veil my threats had hit home._

_Where I had been loath to consider the details of our plan much in advance, damn it if B’Elanna hadn’t already thought of everything.  She even recycled the spare set of internal components and falsified the recycling record to make it seem like we had gotten rid of my old replicator.  It actually scared me a little, just how objective and thorough she was able to be in this deception._

_I think what I appreciated most was that she didn’t throw this decision in my face.  There were no sideways glances, no insinuations and no judgement. Just two people working to save a man they cared very deeply for. No matter the cost._

_We finished shortly before my shift was about to start on the bridge.  I thought about going to see Chakotay beforehand but I realized, I couldn’t do it.  I couldn’t risk changing my mind.  So I simply comm-ed the Doctor to check his status and then headed for the turbolift._

_I relieved Tuvok a few minutes early. Then, at exactly 0800 hours, B’Elanna reported for duty to the bridge engineering station, announcing that she was ready to test one of the new torpedoes.  At 0810, I ordered it away._

_I’ve given the order to fire many times in my career.  But never like this._

_A little bit of myself left with that torpedo.  A little bit of the concessions I never thought I’d have to make.  A little bit of my honor._

_A little bit of my peace._

* * *

“Looks like we’ve had a misfire,” B’Elanna said, feigning disappointment.

“Damn,” I swore under my breath.

“I’m getting data from the internal computer now. I’ll analyze it and we’ll try again.”

“Yes.  I want a full report on what went wrong.  And please see to it that we get it right next time.  We can’t afford to waste these torpedoes, Lieutenant.”

“Of course, ma’am,” she said with a serious nod, and then she left the bridge.

Our show was over.

We calculated it would take about ninety minutes for the torpedo to reach Haq’k at the rendezvous coordinates.  After an appropriate amount of time on the bridge, I excused myself to my ready room and waited for his call.

It came in just before the two-hour mark.

“Captain Janeway,” Haq’k said, a large smile playing across his brown lips.  “It seems you’ve held up your side of the bargain.”

“And now it’s your turn, Haq’k,” I said, warning leaching into my voice.

“Indeed, indeed.  I’m transmitting the information you requested now,” he said, and then I observed him touch a few buttons on his console.  A few moments later and my computer registered that it had received the data package.

“I’ve got it.”

“It seems our business has been concluded.  It’s been a pleasure, Captain.  And if you ever need find yourself in need of something else that I can provide, you know how to find me.  I’m sure we could reach another mutually beneficial agreement.”

“Don’t get your hopes up.”

And then I closed the channel.

* * *

_The so-called cure for Chakotay’s condition, when it finally came to be revealed, was surprisingly, shockingly simple._

_I could have kicked myself for not having thought of it sooner, and I knew B’Elanna felt the same.  But, there wasn’t time to dwell.  Chakotay was still very much in danger and I didn’t want my deal with the devil to be for naught._

_The procedure wouldn’t be without risks, especially given Chakotay’s condition.  Plus, there was the issue of having the Doctor work on him without asking where the protocol had come from.  Since it would take the better part of the day to bring this horrid situation to conclusion, it wasn’t as if we could just wipe his memory again._

_After a bit of brainstorming, B’Elanna and I came to a workable solution which she then put into motion._

_She programmed the Doctor with the necessary information to save Chakotay, hid those bits within his memory engrams, and then encoded them to surface with trigger words.  When the Doctor was reactivated, he came to the answer on his own._

_Or so it seemed._

* * *

 

“I may have come up with a solution to Commander Chakotay’s predicament,” the Doctor informed me proudly as I walked quickly through the sickbay doors.  He was exiting his office with B’Elanna at his side.

“Really?” I asked, trying my best to feign my knowledge of the plan which he was about to lay out. 

“Something that B’Elanna remarked when she was visiting the commander earlier.  She said that she couldn’t believe the officials on Delravy would expect a man to go through fifteen years of this.  And that lead me thinking.  The commander’s sentence _was_ just fifteen years.  Obviously we won’t be going back to the planet to have them deactivate the implant, so it stands to reason that the implant must know how quickly time is passing.

“B’Elanna assisted me with an experiment and we found that there is an internal counter.  Each time the commander enters REM sleep, it decrements and he serves the equivalent of one day of his term.  But, the implant makes that count upon _entering_ sleep, not leaving it.  It has no real way to calculate the time that has passed.”

“So,” I interject.  “You’re saying that it doesn’t matter if he sleeps a whole night or not, the implant thinks that he has.”

“That’s right.  And, I’m betting that if we can make the counter _think_ that his sentence has been completed, its functionality will terminate.”

“How do we do that?”

“Unfortunately, we can’t just _tell_ it that he’s done,” B’Elanna answered.  “We’re going to have to actually put him through the cycles.”

“You’re going to put him to sleep and wake him up what….” I paused, pretending to do the math in my head.  “Five and a half thousand times?”

“Delravy orbits its sun in two hundred and three days,” the Doctor replied.  “The commander has already experienced roughly seventy-eight days of his term.  We will have to cycle him two-thousand, nine hundred and sixty-seven more times.”

I rubbed my brow.  Only three weeks had passed and yet, his time served was nearly triple that.  It gave me pause.  “How exactly are you going to do that?” I pressed on.

“I have a few ideas, but I need to run a controlled test or two to be sure the counter increments.  I also have to try to reduce the amount of stress bringing him in and out of REM puts on his hypothalamus.  Given his current condition, it could cause permanent damage.”

“Assuming your tests pan out, how long would this take?”

“I’m hoping to cycle him every five seconds using a hypothalamic stimulator.  At that rate, it should take just over four hours.”

“And then he’ll be done?”

“We can’t be completely sure of that,” B’Elanna chimed in for effect.  “But it’s our best hope.”

_Our best hope._   And one that I had paid dearly for.

“We have to try, Captain,” the Doctor finished.  “He’s not going to last much longer otherwise.  Quite frankly, I’m surprised he hasn’t gone into cardiac arrest already.”

My breath halted at the remembrance of his lifeless body under the weight of my palms, a truth to which the Doctor hadn’t been made privy.  I pushed the feeling away and focused on the fact that now, finally, we had a solution.  By tomorrow this would all be over.

I dared a glance to Chakotay as he lie sedated and temporarily unfettered by nightmares.  Simply unconscious he looked peaceful.  He looked like he had a chance.

“Run whatever tests you need.  If the results are favorable, you have my permission to proceed with treatment,” I said.  Beside me, B’Elanna let out a tempered breath and averted her eyes momentarily to the floor.   “Please, keep me apprised.”

“Of course, Captain.”

* * *

 

_Nine hours later, I heard from the Doctor._

_It had been grueling for Chakotay and there were a few hiccups.  But in the end, the method worked.  He had completed his prison sentence.  The implant was no longer active.  The Doctor was hopeful that with the nodules retracted, it could be removed after he had recuperated fully._

_And he was finally, mercifully, asleep._

_So, that’s the story.  Every detail that was relevant.  Every action I took and every reason why._

_I gave Federation replicator technology to an unscrupulous individual in a heavily disputed, disadvantaged region of space._

_I misled and used crewmembers.  I ordered a senior officer to assist me in covering it all up._

_I will never know how my actions have affected this region.  I will never learn how I have impacted the people that live here, or changed the course of a war I know far too little about._

_I can’t say that I was threatened._

_I can’t say that I didn’t have a choice._

_I did it for personal gain.  I did it to save just one life._

_The truth, though... the thing that really frightens me is how just a few simple events led to a decision I swore I would never make._

_Which other principles will I be forced to concede on before we finally make it home? I can’t possibly predict._

_I can only hope that each and every one is as painstakingly chosen as this one was.  Because when it becomes easier, well.  Then I’ve truly lost._

* * *

“Computer, end log.”

My throat is sore and my feet are tired from pacing while I’ve been recanting the story of the last month.  But more than that, my quarters are suffocating me.  I came here to escape the hustle of officers on the bridge and in the mess, believing them to be the reason that I’ve felt closed in.  They know nothing of what I’ve done, but every sideways glance, every “yes, ma’am” has felt like a patronizing slur. 

Even alone I feel judged.  Compressed.

The metaphorical corner I’d been backed into is still pressed around me. 

I retrain my focus to my window.  The stars outside are whizzing by.  Chakotay is going to make a full recovery.

I won’t have to give that eulogy.  Or sit next to Tuvok on the bridge.  Or explain to Sekaya... 

_Or live without him._

My door chimes, rousing me from my thoughts.

“Come.”

The sight of him on two feet, color returned and walking easily, if not a bit slowly, causes my breath to halt.

“Chakotay,” I say, choking his name unexpectedly.  “What are you doing here?  Shouldn’t you be resting?”

“I’ve been resting for almost two days,” he says with an appreciative smile.  “The Doctor wants me to get a decent meal and start moving around.  I know it’s late, but would you care to join me?”

I sigh and hang my head a bit.  Yes, I’m hungry.  Yes, I want nothing more than to spend time with him that doesn’t involve holding his hand while he lies there dying.  But, no.  I can’t.  Not right now, not while he still reminds me so much of what I’ve done.

“Maybe tomorrow, Commander.”

He tilts his head and considers me, his dark eyes trailing me, searching for that which I am hiding.  Despite the comforting stricture of my uniform I feel exposed.  And then he sinks just a little.

“I’m sorry,” he says softly, head drooped.  “I know these last few weeks have been hard on you.  And, then on top of that I put you in a very difficult position.”

_‘Which one?’_ I think, and then I know, it’s the only one he’s been privy to.  “Yes, well.  It’s not your fault, really.  You were suffering. I might have made the same request.”

He comes closer, slowly, cautiously and in a remorseful voice says, “I thought it would just be easier, you know.  For all of us.  But I appreciate that you held on for me, when I was too weak to do it for myself.  You knew there would be a solution.  You believed, Kathryn.”

Then I feel him taking my hand into his own, warmth enveloping my senses.  “Thank you for not giving up on me, even when I wanted to give up on myself.”

“Yes.  Well.  We got lucky.”

“We get lucky a lot,” he says softly, looking down at my pale flesh as it lies in his darker hand.  “But I certainly won’t take these next days for granted.  And I’m glad you didn’t have to compromise your principles – our principles – on my account.”

At this, I allow my hand to slide away from his. “I agree,” I say, hoping that he can’t hear in my voice the lie of omission that lives there.  “We shouldn’t take them for granted.  Not a single one.”

He leans in close again, placing a gentle kiss on my cheek and then he pulls back.  “Sure you won’t join me for a late dinner?  I accumulated quite a few rations in the last week.  My treat?”

With a half-smile I reply, “Maybe some other time.”

He says he understands, he hopes that I will get some rest.  And then as quickly as he came back to me, he is gone again.

I make my way over to the computer console and tap a key, allowing for an addendum to my latest log.

“In hindsight, I think I was mistaken again.  Perhaps the most disturbing thing wasn’t that I made this compromise in principles, rather who I made them for.  Would I have made the same decision for Crewman Harren, or Chell?  Would I have sacrificed so much for Samantha Wildman, or Harry Kim?  I think what I fear most is that, after only a few years out here, my ability to be objective and fair has been skewed.  Fighting my personal feelings for Chakotay… It’s not working out as well as I had planned. 

“With all of the unknowns I’ve still yet to face, there’s only one thing I know for sure, right now more than ever.

“Given the chance, I’d hand over that replicator again.  To save _his_ life, I’d give them a hundred more.

“Computer, permanently close log entry and save under restricted access.”

I click to turn off the display then pad softly to my bedroom.  Catching my tired reflection in the mirror, I sigh and pull back the covers.  Then, unable to muster enough energy to shed the remainder of my uniform, I crawl into bed and manage my final commands.

“Computer, set wake up alarm for 0530 hours.”

“Lights off.”

**Author's Note:**

> All of my love and gratitude to CarlynRoth for her hard work as my beta. That girl earned her paycheck on this one. I owe you Carly.
> 
> Also thanks to Mr. Shakespeare for the title. Hamlet's soliloquy is oddly appropriate for this story.


End file.
